Why advocating for your child is NOT just making excuses.
Is that really what happened? Did they really say that? Did you hear correctly? I feel confused and upset. Is this fair?
These are the thoughts that race through our minds as parents when our child comes home upset or angry about a behaviour decision that has impacted them more than usual. We remind ourselves that perception isn’t always reality—but we also need to understand that their perception is their reality. A child’s intent is not always purposeful, and meaningful growth only happens when a child feels safe enough to learn from the experience.
At the same time, we have to navigate the very real truth that when it comes to our kids, we are fiercely protective. That doesn’t mean we should immediately jump to their defence—but it does mean we should trust that their emotional response matters. The impact an experience has on a child shapes their future behaviour and influences how they see themselves.
I always say that connection is key. When decisions are made that disrupt that connection, we must do everything we can to repair and maintain it. Because when children don’t feel seen, heard, or valued, they disengage.
You know your child’s version of events might not be the full story, and you’re unsure whether your involvement will help or hinder their growth. So let me start with a story—one that sits right at the intersection of balance, understanding, and advocacy…
My son was in his Friday school sport session, which is often unstructured, unpredictable and inconsistent in the level of activity. For any child, this leaves the window open for students to make poor decisions because the boundaries are unclear and the expectations are inconsistent. Children very rarely make decisions with foresight. It is not a part of their brain that is fully developed, nor has it had enough opportunities to practice and learn from experience. It is also coming to the end of the year (they are in year 6) so they have less capacity to draw on skills and strategies to make good choices. Why is this important? Because these are drivers for behaviour. This is what lies beneath the behaviour. This is what we look at in order to change behaviour. Because when you understand what drives behaviour you can support the child where they are at and not because of what they did. I digress…
A group of boys decided to slip into an unsupervised classroom and hide for a few seconds. I later learned that this same group had done something similar the week before, when my son was away sick. It seems boredom and a sense of adventure were driving them to make some poor choices.
The teacher who caught them pulled the boys aside and began disciplining them. Unfortunately, this particular teacher is known for struggling to manage her reactions in stressful situations. When she made a comment to the group, my son laughed. After speaking with him, I gained a clearer understanding of why he responded that way, even though he knew he had broken a rule. It’s a common reaction—especially for boys—to laugh when they feel shame or vulnerability. He also mentioned that he finds her accent very difficult to understand, which added to his discomfort.
In response to his laughter, the teacher pulled his hat off his head, threw it to the ground, and said in a raised tone, “This is not something to laugh about.” Raised voices have always distressed my son. He typically goes into a stress response—fight, flight, freeze, or fawn—but as he gets older, he has learned to mask these instincts more effectively.
Following the incident, the boys were taken to the Assistant Principal and asked to complete a reflection page during playtime. Later, the executive teacher returned to school, spoke with them again at lunchtime, and informed them that they would need to write a letter of apology.
As parents, we are often told to “let kids learn the hard way” or “stop making excuses for their behaviour.” When you are trying to support a child who’s overwhelmed, misunderstood, or struggling in ways they can’t yet articulate, comments like these can feel like a punch in the gut.
The truth is simple:
Advocating for your child is not making excuses. It is responsible parenting, informed support, and a key part of helping your child grow into a confident, capable human.
Let’s break down why.
1. Advocacy is about understanding the why, not erasing the what.
When a behaviour happens, the easy option is to judge it at face value. But behaviour is never the whole story.
Advocacy doesn’t deny the behaviour or pretend it didn’t happen. Advocacy simply adds vital context—something the child often can’t express themselves. You’re saying:
“This behaviour did happen, but here’s what was going on underneath so we can respond in a way that actually helps.”
This is context, not an excuse. And understanding the ‘why’ is the only way children learn long-term behaviour skills—not through shame or punishment. It is vital that when advocating, you are respectful, compassionate and communicate clearly what it is you require. You can acknowledge the school’s intent but also question the process.
2. Excuses remove responsibility. Advocacy shares responsibility.
Excuses say:
“It wasn’t my child’s fault.”
“Don’t hold them accountable.”
Advocacy says:
“They need support, guidance, and teaching so they can do better next time.”
Advocacy recognises that responsibility is a shared process between child, family, and school—not something a child must shoulder alone, especially when they’re still learning regulation, communication, or social problem-solving. You’re not removing accountability—you are ensuring that accountability is fair, developmentally appropriate, and informed.
3. You’re giving adults the information your child can’t express.
Children—especially those who are anxious, neurodivergent, young, or emotionally flooded—often don’t have the skills to explain:
“I was overwhelmed.”
“The noise hurt my ears.”
“I didn’t understand what to do.”
“I felt scared.”
“My body went into fight-or-flight.”
As the adult who knows your child best, you bridge that communication gap. This is not excuse-making—it is advocacy, empathy, and support. It’s the same as translating for a child who speaks another language: you’re helping them be understood.
4. Advocacy leads to better strategies, not avoidance.
An excuse avoids the issue. Advocacy leans into it. When you advocate, you’re helping adults understand what will actually prevent the behaviour from repeating, such as:
clearer instructions
sensory accommodations
co-regulation
predictable routines
environmental supports
breaks or movement
reduced triggers
connection before correction
These supports don’t eliminate responsibility—they build the skills needed to handle responsibility.
5. Advocacy protects your child’s dignity.
No child deserves to be labelled as “naughty,” “attention-seeking,” “defiant,” or “the problem kid” when their behaviour is coming from a place of struggle. Advocacy ensures your child is understood through a lens of compassion and development—not judgment. It protects them from being punished for:
sensory overload
emotional flooding
anxiety
trauma responses
developmental delays
communication challenges
learning differences
You are not making excuses. You are protecting your child’s right to be seen accurately.
6. Behaviour is communication—not defiance.
Kids communicate their needs with their bodies long before they can speak them with words. Meltdowns, shutdowns, avoidance, anger, tears—these are signals, not choices. Advocacy helps adults shift from:
❌ “What’s wrong with you?”
to
✔️ “What happened to you?”
✔️ “What do you need?”
✔️ “How can we support you?”
This shift changes outcomes, relationships, and long-term well-being.
7. It models healthy self-advocacy for your child.
Children watch everything. When they see you respectfully communicate their needs, explain their challenges, and stand with them—not in front of them or instead of them—they learn powerful lessons about:
communicating boundaries
asking for help
understanding themselves
navigating the world safely
Advocacy isn’t just for today. It’s teaching them a skill they will need for the rest of their lives.
8. Advocacy builds stronger home–school partnerships.
Schools do their best, but they don’t see everything that happens at home. Parents have insights that teachers simply can’t have. When you bring information forward—triggers, strengths, patterns, successful strategies—everyone wins. Consistency between home and school is one of the strongest predictors of positive behaviour change. Advocacy is a bridge. Excuses are a wall.
The Bottom Line
Excuses dismiss behaviour. Advocacy explains it, contextualises it, and guides the child toward growth.
Advocacy is not soft. It is not enabling. It is not overprotective.
It is conscious, informed parenting that helps children feel safe, understood, and capable of learning.
Never let anyone make you feel guilty for advocating for your child. You’re not excusing their behaviour— you’re equipping them for a better future.
I wrote to the school to advocate for the impact this had on my son. I agreed that the boys made the wrong decision and therefore received the consequence. But I questioned the teacher’s actions and the accountability for the impact this threatening behaviour had on my son. I also questioned why he needed to apologise in consideration of the fact that the consequence had been heavily paid and the teacher acted poorly when managing the boys. I explained this to my son and his response was “Thank you, mum”. Because he knew he did the wrong thing but the wrong thing was also done to him and why should that not count?
